mewrt.

So there is a quote: “What is not love is fear.”

It is super simplistic.

But. I am pretty much controlled by fear. It is the emotion to which I am most accustomed. There is literally nothing I am not afraid of, if you break it down. And it can all be distilled into:

1. things changing
2. things staying the same
3. me changing
4. me staying the same

I don’t know how to get past this. The overriding theme is that I feel a huge amount of ambivalence towards everything. I stay in limbo for so long in every situation that I just stop caring as a way to stop feeling uncomfortable.

I feel like my thoughts are incredibly mutable by outside forces, which would lead to me having none at all. But that is just a feeling, it is not the truth. In truth, I guess I have tons of deeply held opinions and ideas, but lack the will to force them onto others. I think it really might be more comfortable for me to be uncomfortable myself than to cause discomfort for others.

Hate. I hate a lot of things. I have a tendency to get myself entangled in situations that feel like they are beyond my control. But the reality is that they are completely within my control. I allow other people to dump all their shit at my feet. And it doesn’t make sense. Who am I to them?

I struggle to understand different perspectives, to figure out what people are feeling, but most of the time I don’t like what I find out about them. I think it might be healthier for me to just continue working on my own perspectives. I need to get a firm handle on those in order to be able to interact with anyone, anyway. I need to have a strong foundation from which to interact.

And I need privacy more than almost anything else. Privacy helps me feel safe. So why the drive to put myself out there so much? Why the constant doubting of what I know in my gut is best for me? Need to learn better ways to remind myself of what is really important.