monquito

In 2008, I will be out of college for four years. I will turn 26. I will grow up. I will take steps to work on the things about myself that I want to be different—for no one else but myself. Step One is identifying not just exactly what I want to be different, but what I want to become. I alluded to this in my first entry after Christmas as the biggest, most important goal.

The major thing keeping me unhappy is one of my jobs. I know that I do not want to be a librarian. This is a hard thing to say because it is what I thought I wanted to be for a long time—or a few years at least. I have been realizing this for a while, but I didn’t know what I wanted to be instead. Over the last year the answer has become clearer because of what has made me the happiest and kept me fascinated; namely, the tech world. Writing makes me happy, but unfortunately I’m not sure it is a viable career for me, because I have been unable to put myself out there or even really WANT to make it into a money-making venture. And I definitely don’t want to write about technology, because actually that kind of makes me want to fall asleep (although I can READ about it all day and night—go figure.)

I have doubted myself sufficiently. I have spent a lot of time pondering the obstacles (and they are many: lack of a degree, advanced age (for the field), the fact that I scored 330 points higher on the verbal portion of the SATs than I did on math portion, and even the fact that I am a woman not at all comfortable with “boys’ clubs” are just a few). This all only means that it will be imperative for me to know my shit, to not half-ass my way through, and to learn how to stand up for myself in professional and personal environments (which is, of course, the hardest part).

This year, I am going to learn a new programming language, and I will do what it takes to make sure that by next year I will be taking computer science classes (after finding out the prerequisites, like in case there are maths I need first, and taking those). Those are my goals, which I am trying to keep achievable. I will not make the leap into thinking about actual degrees and paths to them until I am in a class or two and doing well. Just to keep things simple.

I should add that the best part of all this is that I didn’t have to incubate it at all before telling M. and that he was immediately, enthusiastically supportive, even to the point of joking that we will get married right now so that I can get tuition remission again right away*. Because he is awesome, and it should be noted.

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*When you work full time at an institution of higher learning, it tends to be one of your benefits. (un)Fortunately, I don’t work full time at one anymore. Fortunate, because the more hours I spend there, the more I want to die. Unfortunate, because when I finally get some ambition, I don’t have the cheap-as-free means to exercise it.